Tomorrow would have been his twenty-second birthday.  

But he will not be having his birthday anymore.

He will forever be twenty-one

on the threshold of his adulthood,

his earthly life arrested,

his face without wrinkles,

his muscles strong,

his head full of ideas,

his arms open to embrace me,

his lips so soft and smooth upon my cheek

in the freeze-frame of our last moments together.

Now he visits me,

in my meditative state when I’m praying.

forever twenty-one,

forever smiling at me,

with his eyes so clear,

and beautiful,

and knowing of a wondrous place

I have yet to go.

He wordlessly comforts me

and gives me assurance of the peace-filled life he now leads.

There, he is but a babe,

who will soon celebrate his first birthday in heaven.

But here, I will never stop missing him,

never forget the stories of our lives together.

I must keep them alive,

tell them again and again

to Lora and Michael,

who will carry them into the next generations of this life,

while he lives on in a better place.

To me,

he will be

forever twenty-one,

forever my son.

Copyright 2005 Lora Marie Wade

It has always seemed to me, that being at home with one’s self, i.e. being comfortable in one’s skin, should be a given.  But it’s not.  Maybe it’s due to societal expectations, insecurity in one’s peer group, and other reasons for self-doubt, that many of us are not self-assured and don’t just naturally like ourselves.

During puberty and the teen years, peer pressure is intense.  That is a powerful reason to be uneasy with oneself, when that is exactly the time when self-confidence could be most beneficial.  Our society does not deliver a positive message to us very well, often because there are economic reasons for us as potential customers, to feel that we need “things” to be good enough.  And we often believe the advertising.  

In fact, there are far more forces that seek to sell remedies for our deficiencies than those that boost self-esteem.  So being comfortable with the one person we are always in company with, is difficult, at best.  By the time we are adults, most of us come to a point of self-acceptance.  But, do we really feel comfortable in our own skin?  I think that more often than not, we don’t. I know I struggle at times with my feelings about this, even as a senior citizen.  But this doesn’t happen often.  I am still a work in progress, but I am ever closer to the finished project with each passing year.

So what can humans do to be more self-assured and less critical of ourselves?  Well, one thing we can all do is avoid being around negative people.  Just say “no” when this kind of person wants to be around you.  Make other plans.  Do the things that make you feel valued.  Surround yourself with the people who love and care about you.  Just by avoiding negative energy, one’s positive energy grows.

I grew up in a family that encouraged me and didn’t make me feel “less than” other people.  I was loved and respected.  Sadly, this not true for everyone.  But the way in which people see themselves is a decision.  Since we each are the most important person to please, let’s decide to collectively raise the opinions of ourselves and others.  Only good can come from this.  Let’s do it!

“Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.”

Bernard Meltzer

I heard these words years ago, and they left an impression on me.  I am positive, that if they had come to mind at certain points in my life, that I would have avoided saying some things I am not proud of having said.  The point, of course, is to think before you speak, and especially in serious situations.

As our lives progress, we hopefully become wiser, kinder, more helpful and improve the way in which we deal with all the people we happen upon.  This is what transpires when we evolve as human beings.

Now, with all the many modes of communicating in today’s world, we really need to be especially clear with our written words.  Once on paper, or in a text, or on social media, words are permanently etched in time and cannot be taken back.

So now, we must “think before we write.”  Of course this has always been true, but in this age of “sound bites,” words have extensive force attached to them.  Besides which, the speed of written words travel faster than ever before because technology is involved and continues to evolve as well.

But, back to Mr. Meltzer’s quote, asking oneself the important questions regarding truth, kindness, necessity and helpfulness is perhaps the best way to monitor our words.  And if, in additions to one’s words, we measure our actions by the same yardstick, we could alter the course of future events.

Maybe, if people became less reactionary, as we see so often in today’s society, words (both spoken and written) would be tempered and a positive revolution would be in the realm of possibility.  I hope so.  “Sticks and stones may break my bones,” but words can hurt so much more.  May they be true, helpful, necessary and kind.  These are words to live by.  Indeed.

 

It is something people don’t like to think about.  Death, that is.  One’s own death is only one part of it.  But, the other part, dealing with other people’s deaths, is extremely difficult for those of us  who are left behind, struggling with loss.  

Life experience is what helps or hinders a person’s reactions and responses in these situations. When the person who has died, has led a good, long life, it is easier to celebrate that life.  When one experiences a sudden death, shock sets in and muddies the process.  When a person has suffered long and hard, it can even be a relief that that person is no longer in pain.  But regardless of the circumstances, death is part of life and must be dealt with each time it happens.

Let’s face it, death is inevitable.  It is our behavior, afterward, that is important to think about.  I have been blessed by having been the giver and the receiver of love and compassion many times. These actions are an important part of “letting go,” and beginning to grieve after a person is no longer with us.

Paying one’s respects at such a time is important for the family and friends of the deceased.  It is not for the person who died.  Even if a person has made their own wishes known before their death, it is still the decision of the family with regard to how they proceed.  People feel many different ways about this, and none of them are wrong.  But perhaps, it would be a good idea to realize that grief is for the ones who are still alive.  And whatever is done in memory of them, paying one’s respects is an important thing to do.

I remember hearing the words, “paying one’s respects,”  while growing up as a child.  Usually that meant going to the funeral home after someone’s death.  But that is not the only way to pay respects.  Sending a card or letter, perhaps flowers are good ways.  With people one is close to, one could keep in in close touch by visiting and/or calling the bereaved regularly.  Each situation is unique to the people involved.

The important thing, it seems to me, is the action one takes, to respect the life of that person who has died and their families and friends.  As I get older, hopefully I am realizing the depth of these actions, and am learning how to “be there” for others as they have been to me.  In this process of learning to have more empathy and compassion, we all are the better for it.  Paying one’s respects can be just one way to show it.

 

Before I get into this subject, I have a disclaimer.  I really want to live forever.  But, as with all things, there are conditions.  I only want to live forever if it means that I am still healthy enough to live on my own and I am in my right mind.  That being said, there is a problem with wanting to live forever.

Have you ever seen people in hospitals, being kept alive by machines?  I have never understood why people would want to be kept alive artificially or have their loved ones live in this condition. But I am not here to judge.  It is just something to think about.  That’s why I am so glad that there are such things as living wills.  People have the right to die naturally, if that is their wish.  A living will does just that.

But back to living forever, have you ever seen movies that depict characters that never die? Even though these movies are fiction, they bring up some thoughts as to the downside of living forever.  We are meant to live AND die.  That is what makes up a life.  

More important than how long we live, is “how” we live.  I think about this a lot.  I researched topics of living past 100 and how to live a long life and found some nuggets of information. Many of the people interviewed or written about had things in common.  Some of these things, found in publications on this subject, had to do with having a positive attitude, being in close, meaningful, relationships, having a purpose, laughter, exercise, and having good eating habits. In one such article, staying calm was cited.  I think all of these are good ideas and some of them I already do or have.  

I guess it comes down to quality of life.  If you don’t have that, living long is not a very attractive quest.  The lesson, it seems to me, is that however long one lives is not in our control.  But, the way we live, however long it is, is what’s important.  One thing that I would never want to happen, is to live past my due date.  At the end of my life movie, I want it to say: The End.  And underneath it, I want it to say “to be continued in the next life.”