There is a club that nobody wants to join.  It happens after a devastating event. It has no official name, but the event itself makes you an automatic member.  This club consists of people who have outlived a child.

Sometimes, you don’t even realize that you are a part of this club, because you are shocked and bereft and perhaps incapable of even thinking clearly.  But then it hits you. I remember quite clearly when it hit me.

I was receiving the people who came to pay their respects at the funeral home.  As people stood in line, I began to notice friends and neighbors who had also experienced this tragedy.  I gasped at the realization that my husband and I were not the only ones. Of course I knew this, intellectually, but to see these people and remember being in the opposite role, that of paying respects instead of being the bereaved, was jarring.

It happened again and again throughout the day.  There was a strange feeling of connectedness and empathy and grief. My husband and I were definitely not alone.  There was a group of us, a club so to speak. How was it that I didn’t know this before?

In today’s culture, we have a tendency to think that this loss is uncommon.  But that is not true. Just thinking back in my own family, I began to remember people who had lost children to death.  My father’s parents had lost a daughter to crib death. I had an aunt who had multiple miscarriages and then lost her only daughter at the age of 2.  My aunt and uncle lost a son who suffered greatly before dying. And that is just in my side of the family.

I decided to research statistics of child mortality.  While today the mortality of children in the U.S. is lower than 1%, in the 1960’s 1 in 4 children died before the age of 5.  Most of the deaths of the people I knew growing up died as a result of accidents, but there were illnesses and other causes as well.

The reason I wanted to know this, is to see this event as a part of life that touches others we know, and it always has been so. It is not to diminish the grief one must go through in any way.  But it is a reminder that we are not alone. And we who share this experience are in a community that can give each other support in a way that can help us all.

The first time I gave blood, I was in college. There was a big drive at the Union Building on the campus of Indiana University in Bloomington.  Luckily I was healthy and able to donate.  And it didn’t hurt to find out that there were donuts and drinks.  I waited in line as there were a lot of students willing and ready to face the needle.

When it was my turn, the skilled phlebotomist found the vein and slipped the needle into my arm.  I barely felt it.  Then, all I had to do was squeeze my fist every few seconds until the bag was full. I was amazed at how quickly it went.  I sat down and had a donut and juice.  Then it sunk in.  I was just able to help someone I didn’t know and it could possibly save a life.

It was a transformative experience.  At once, I felt as if I had been given a gift.  And I was.  To be able to help someone just by sharing twenty minutes of my time, I was able to give a small part of myself that would be easily replenished without any harm being done to me.  What a miracle!

I am a universal donor because my blood type is O negative.  It is always needed and I gave regularly for many years.  Now I am unable to give because I have epilepsy and had a seizure after my last donation.  I really miss the experience.

I had read somewhere that there is a positive physiological effect that happens after you give blood. Upon further research I found, in an article on health.com. entitled “4 Unexpected Benefits of Donating Blood.”

According to the article, it can help your blood flow better.  Part of giving blood entails taking your temperature, pulse, blood pressure and hemoglobin levels.  It’s like a mini check-up.  After its collection, it is sent off to be tested for 13 types of infectious diseases.  And if anything comes back positive you are notified immediately. You must never give if you aren’t feeling well or have been exposed to a virus.

Your iron level is checked and must be at a certain level to give.  Knowing your levels helps to keep them balanced by eating foods on a list that is given.  And the 4th reason is that doing things to help other people could help you live longer.

Most of all, according to the Red Cross, a single donation can save up to 3 people’s lives.  If that isn’t a great reason to give it a try, I don’t know what it would be. That is not to say that there aren’t good reasons to make one unable to do this, because this is is just one way to help others.  We each have things we can give and this may not be one of the ones for you.

If you can give blood, consider giving it a try.  They will not take your blood if there is even a slight possibility of it harming you.  You must answer a lengthy questionnaire before they even start the mini check.  So think about it.  It may be just the thing that will make you feel the goodwill of that action.  And because of you, it may just make 3 other people feel good and grateful for your gift of Life.

What is affection?  Is it purely physical?  Is it in one’s heart, unspoken, but felt deeply? Does it dwell in one’s mind, searching for a way to express itself?  It would seem to need a feeling of warmth, love, and tenderness. Without these feelings attached to it, any physical actions would  not be viewed in this way, would they?

I think that true affection can be seen and shown in something as small as a look filled with love.  A smile can be the vehicle for affection if the feeling attached is truly heartfelt. And hugs, hugs are one of the best ways to show these feelings and they can be given in so many ways to people, even if you don’t know them.  One can show compassion through a hug.

People are born with the capacity for love and the ability to show it.  But first it must be given in a selfless, loving way to us, in order for us to understand it and use it in relationship to others. Intention is key to learning what affection is.

Sometimes, when people have been mistreated, this kind of interaction will be viewed as suspicious.  Then, learning to trust is necessary before one can even begin to accept it. Only then, can hurt souls heal and hopefully learn how to accept and give affection.

True affection is something needed to form lasting personal relationships. We must be able to feel it for ourselves and give it freely to others.  This is what gives life meaning. It communicates, “I care.”

Sometimes people who have had little affection from people, will be able to receive and give it to animals.  Pets can bring out these feelings because they do not demand anything in return. And pets make us want to reciprocate those actions of love.

Most of all, a world without true affection, or caring for one another, would be a very bleak place indeed.  Therefore, let’s try to find ways to be more tender to each other. As long as our feelings are of goodwill, transformation can happen.  Sounds good to me. How about you?

This is not a “walk a mile in my . .” post.  It’s actually about shoes. I think that shoes say something about the person who wears them.  For instance, now that I have had foot surgery, twice, I only wear shoes that my orthotic inserts fit into easily. I rarely go barefoot anymore and shoes have become the vehicle for my mobility.  I have three styles now, athletic, dressy,

(which now amounts to basically a slightly clunky Mary Jane) and another, less “fancy” old lady black pair to wear with pants.  I call them “old lady” shoes because that is what they look like to me. But do I want to wear them? You bet I do! They keep my feet feeling good and I have healthy feet because of them.

Some people don’t even like wearing them and only do so when necessary.  The minute they hit home, they are off! Other people, like a friend of mine, have been told by the doctor to wear them all the time, except for in bed.  But these are just reasons for why we wear, or don’t wear them.

There are also people who wear only certain shoes because of fashion and identity.  Teens fit into this category perfectly. They can even be considered a status symbol.  Teens and adults alike can have very particular tastes in footwear. I find this fascinating because they really do tell a story about a person’s lifestyle.  

I once worked with a woman that only wore shoes with at least 3-inch heels.  She was young and unwilling to heed warnings of what damage they could do to her feet.  I haven’t seen her in years, but still worry about her. I have worked in senior residential facilities and watched people go from walking unaided, to using a cane, to a walker, to a motorized wheelchair to having someone push them in one.  Mobility is something that nobody wants to lose. While for some it may be inevitable, there are things we can do to help ourselves. Our feet need support and protection from the elements. We should try and give them what they need so that they will give us a long life of usefulness.

I have always loved shoes.  My Italian grandfather was a cobbler and did shoe repair when people wore leather soles and didn’t have money to buy new ones.  Whenever we got a new pair we had to show them to my grandpa and get his opinion. It was special.

Today, shoes are much more than something one wears to protect their feet.  That’s perfectly fine as long as we remember that your feet carry you, not the other way around.

There is so much conflict in our society and the entire world.  It has become increasingly difficult to find the things that all of us have in common.  Seems to me, that deep conversation may be essential to finding that answer. But, before one can have that, a quiet, peaceful environment must be found.  Creating a space for this to happen requires an open mind.

That is really hard to do when everything that surrounds us is filled with animosity due to conflicting ideologies, on almost everything, it seems.  There appears to be no middle ground on so many topics of conversation. In addition, instead of having constructive dialogue with others whose views may be in conflict with our own thoughts, we tend to avoid those conversations altogether.  Instead of trying to see another person’s point of view, we tend to commiserate with those who have the same opinion. So we sacrifice the possibility of compromise to avoid the discomfort of such situations. We simply are afraid of confrontation, and that precludes any understanding we might gain from talking to one another.

It is awkward, to say the least, to find balance.  By not being willing to face conflict head on, we find the challenge to do so grows dimmer with the passage of time.  So what should we do?

Here’s a possible suggestion. First of all, there would need to be a professional mediator. Then, perhaps people on both sides of a problem could gather with other like-minded individuals.  A venue would need to found where people of both sides of an issue could meet with each other and talk. With an agenda that is agreed upon, the discussion of sensitive topics could begin. There would also need to be  ground rules, but it would necessarily have to do with being respectful to one another and having a desire to see where different persons were coming from. Most of all, people would need to agree to actively listen to one another.

Balance in ourselves and in the world begins with understanding other points of view.  By coming together as human beings, on equal ground, peace can begin to grow and hostility can decrease.  What do we have to lose? Even if the results do not produce the desired result at first, if people truly desire peace, compromise is necessary.  And it takes time. It took time to polarize people in the first place. The alternative to not trying is failure. Can we afford to live in such a world?  Can’t we learn to get along better? Isn’t it possible to just agree to disagree? Surely, it is in all of our best interests to persist. There is a path to peace.  Together, we can find it and follow it. We just have to want it enough.