When I was a child, I never wanted to disappoint my parents.  Actually, I never wanted to disappoint anyone I loved or respected.  But just the thought of disappointing my parents was enough to deter me from doing anything they “might” find to be disappointing.  I was timid in those days, to say the least.  I was a very good little girl.

And it wasn’t as if they had to say anything or do anything that would make me fear disappointment.  I just began my life as a pleaser.  And this behavior served me pretty well as a child.  Not so, as I grew older.

I began to disappoint myself.  There were things I wanted to pursue, but fear got in the way.  Actually, I became quite good at disappointing myself.  I was good at doing something that was not good for me.

As an adult, I tried to avoid disappointing my young children.  My husband and I would never say that we were going to take them somewhere or do something fun until it was that day.  Or we would make it conditional as in, “if the weather was good we would go to the beach.”  But we would rather make a surprise than disappoint them for no good reason.  That was mostly me and the way I felt about it.

Now, to me, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to please others, as long as it is your decision.  But not wanting to disappoint should be a decision, not just something that others expect from you.  Otherwise, disappointment can be employed as a psychological weapon.

I would venture to say that feelings of disappointment and the conditions on which it is based, is different for different people.  These are just  some thoughts that rambled in my brain.  It’s just another random rambling.  It’s just what I do.

There have been times in my life when people have either said, “Be strong!” or “You’re Strong.” to me when I was facing a traumatic or shocking situation.  I don’t think that at the time when this happens that they realize that those statements could be unhelpful, or even hurtful.  They are trying to make things better, but those words can have the opposite effect, especially after a significant loss of some kind.

When a person isn’t feeling strong, especially in overwhelming or devastating circumstances, saying such words can actually make things more painful.  It can be like saying one doesn’t have the right to be weak.  That’s because, when we are weak, we feel powerless to rise to the situation.  One must rise above to feel strong.  And rising above can take time, sometimes lots of it.

But at other times, these same words can be extremely encouraging.  And that is when one is confidently facing a challenge of some kind.  When someone is purposely active in the achievement of a goal, these words can energize and inspire confidence.  A reference to being strong can then be seen as  reassuring.  And that is the perfect time to use these phrases.

Being strong can be a goal for a person.  And that is a very brave thing to pursue.  Even the effort to endeavor such an objective is courageous.  The words we use while communicating in difficult situations must be considered very carefully, especially those words that are expressed to the ones we care about and love in our lives.

Our conversations, in distressing times, require some serious thought, even with the people we encounter at work or play.  But with the ones we love and care for the most, and who are close friends or relatives, we should always err on the side of compassion.  Actually, showing compassion is a way of being strong for another person, whomever that may be.

Growing up, I often undervalued myself and the things I could accomplish.  But standing up for oneself is so important.  I think that self-underestimation is an unfortunate thing that happens to particularly shy people.  I used to be one of them.

It started out when I was in grammar school.  The message I received from the nuns that taught me, was that I was never supposed to think too highly of myself.  Apparently, it smacked of conceit, or that was the message I got.  It didn’t take much to convince me then.  I don’t know why I felt that way.  I was easily discouraged.

Interestingly enough, I was quick to defend others.  So there was a seed planted, that in my future I would begin to feel that way about myself.  But standing up for oneself is an important part of our development as a human being.

I still have vestiges of that self-effacement that seem to come out of nowhere.  But I haven’t paid attention to them for a long time.  Thank goodness.

With children, in our society, we need to encourage them as much as possible.  That’s how we evolve into the people we are born to be.  Feeling good about oneself is essential to living up to one’s potential and one’s own goals and expectations.  

In my experience, I was very fortunate to have supportive parents and other adults who believed in me.  That seeped into my consciousness and allowed me to be my best self.  But it took a long time to fully accept my worth in the outside world.

We can never know what goes on in another person’s mind, but as adults, it is important to encourage the next generation.  Positive affirmation is key to motivate children to be the best version of themselves.  Standing up for oneself is essential to this end.  The next generation will show us if we were successful or not.

Sometimes it seems like I am always grieving, something in the past, even something in the present.  And losing someone you love is the worst of all.  I never thought of it this way until now, as I am older, hopefully wiser, but definitely more experienced in this process.

Grieving is a natural part of life.  We can either try to embrace it and work to get through it or deny it and suffer endlessly.  But grief cannot be avoided.  It will just manifest itself in ways that may not be identified.  Grief will have its day.  You can choose the way it happens whether it is acceptance or denial.  Acceptance is the path that will get you through it.  It is the way that will lead you to understanding and peace.  

Going through grief is different each time.  But if one learns through each experience, it can enable a person to learn ways that make it less painful.  Understanding oneself better can always be beneficial, even though it may not seem so at the time. 

Having gone through the loss of my father, my son and my mother, I have learned a lot about myself.  That is one of the good things that can happen if one is open to the process.  It has increased my ability to empathize with others, to be more understanding and to actively listen more.  Grief has much to teach us about what is truly important in life, if we let it.

No one lives forever, but one can love forever.  And the love of those who have loved us stays with us forever.  This is the gift we can hold on to as we lose the presence of the people we have loved so dearly.  Grieving well can help us do that.  It is the path to peace in our minds and hearts.

Do you ever remember having a song stuck in your head?  Boy!  I do!  And I even have experience in sharing this phenomenon with others, especially my poor mother.  

When I was in high school, I tried out for all the musicals we were going to perform at school.  So, I sang the songs while I was in my room, or while cleaning, wherever I was in the house, all the while memorizing them for the auditions.  But the most unfortunate thing that happened was when I was going to try out for The Sound of Music.

I sang all of the songs of course.  They were great songs.  But what I really wanted was the role of Liesl.  Her solo was “I am 16, going on 17.”  And I sang my heart out with that song in particular.  My mother, who was really a good singer, and I sang songs together all the time.  She taught me harmony that way too.  She never sang in front of people, but she should have, because she really had a wonderful voice.  That’s why I used to say that she was a closet singer.  But I digress.

Because I wanted that role, I sang “I am 16, going on 17” the most.  I must have sounded like a broken record.  But that song was memorized in “no time.”  My sweet mother had to suffer having that song stuck in her head.  It drove her crazy.  Not to mention the fact that she was 41 at the time.

I tried not to sing it when she was around, but that didn’t matter.  The damage had been done.  And my mom, who never got mad at me, was rather perturbed.  It was really stuck, like glue.  I was so sorry it happened.  But I couldn’t help myself.  I sang it without even realizing it.  We sang all the time together and that was probably the only time she didn’t sing along with me.  And she could have even added a harmony part.  Of course that would have been way too much to ask, and  besides, it was a solo.

Even though that was not the only time a song got stuck in my head, it sure was the most memorable, because I wanted it to be stuck and my poor mom most surely did not!

I guess having a song stuck in my head that time had residual damage.  But usually I don’t mind, except sometimes.