Many years ago, my 2nd grade daughter, was eager to learn to ride a bike.  She was very independent and wanted to do it herself.  In the beginning, she was able to ride a few feet, and then, when she thought she might tip over, would veer off of the sidewalk into the grass and deliberately fall sideways.  It was her way of stopping.

She seemed to be perfectly fine with her own way of bike-riding.  We decided that she needed to have some guidance as this was not going to serve her very well as she got older.  And so the process of teaching her began.

My husband did what most parents do when teaching their children to ride a bike.  He ran next to her as she took off down the street, catching her before she went off the sidewalk into the grass.  It was hard work.  My husband was not crazy about running as exercise.  But of course he wanted to do this with his little girl.

So, day after day, they would practice up and down the block.  Finally it was decided that she and he would venture out of the neighborhood, to a nearby park.  This was really a good idea because the park had very wide sidewalks, more than twice the width of the ones in our neighborhood.

So off to the park we all went.  I walked behind them with my young son as she and her dad took off toward the park.  When we arrived, they were already moving at a faster pace as she zigzagged her way down the sidewalk.  

The pavement circled a building on the park property that had a recreation room and restrooms inside.  My husband and daughter were going around the building and she was riding in her usual way, veering off in different directions.

As she was making a second trip around the building, I was watching them in the distance.  She careened around the corner heading straight for the wall of the building.  I gasped, but just in the nick of time, huffing and puffing, my husband was able to catch up to her before she hit the brick wall.  Needless to say, he saved her from a disastrous accident.

As I was viewing all this, still a ways off, I overheard a couple walking several yards away from my son and me.  The woman said, “Look honey, the jogger just saved the little girl!”

It was hard to keep myself from laughing out loud at the thought of my husband being a jogger who just happened to be running by as she was ready to run into a brick building.  Her brother and I  caught up with the two of them and we made our way home together, walking the bike, of course.  They’d had enough practice for one day.

After we got home, I told my husband what the couple had said.  We looked at each other and laughed so hard at the thought of him being the heroic jogger.  Memories like this are part of the ties that bind.  They are the chapters of our lives that we keep in our hearts and minds.  And the ones like this story are put in the humor section of our family’s history book.

You could say that life has unintended consequences.  I know that this is definitely true some of the time.  But, deciding what to do after something goes wrong is often quite difficult.  

When one is in this situation, questions constantly appear in your mind.  “What just happened?”  “What did I do wrong?”  “How do I fix this?”  

As for myself, on occasion I do or say something and it is taken differently than I expected. Sometimes, I insert a comment when it was not solicited.  Other times, I try to help when no one has asked for it and maybe that person is offended by my gesture.  The intention of what one does and how it is received are two very different things.

When this happens to me, I want to back up and do it all over again.  But we can’t do that, can we?  We must wait and see how the other person reacts.  Then, and only then, should we consider what to do next.

One thing I have learned, is that sometimes the best thing to do, is “nothing.”  But we are usually uncomfortable with the silence that is required for this, aren’t we?  Actually, I have experienced the power of silence and have found it to be profound.  

At times, the situation that has developed, just can’t be fixed.  That’s when one must just face the consequences and hope that resolution will happen sometime in the future.

I wish that I could always say and do the most appropriate thing.  But that is impossible.  We just have to do the best we can and hope for the best.  I often say that I do my best everyday, but sometimes my best is pretty darn good and sometimes it’s terrible.

Nobody’s perfect.  I know that I most certainly am not.  However, I believe that most of the time people can sense your good intentions, if not immediately, perhaps at a later time.  That matters.  And hopefully, that is what other people will remember, after all is said and done.

I just read an article in the New York Times (November 24, 2017) entitled, “When You Teach Girls to be Good.”  It reminded me of a conversation I had with childhood girlfriends.  We were talking about how we all were “good girls” when we were growing up.  It’s not like we had a choice.  It was an expectation, and we went along with it.  I never questioned it.  It worked for me.  I was always treated well and that was fine with me.  But then, I was shy in those days.  It wasn’t a stretch of anyone’s imagination that I would behave in that way.

Today, things are very different, especially in the expectations and opportunities that society has for girls and women.  Now, girls are encouraged to have a career outside the home, all the while  maintaining the home, and still “be good.”  That is, to “be good” at more things, but only as long as we are sweet, not “pushy” or “bossy” or too assertive.  Ambition and power are reserved for men.  “Being good” for men, implies proficiency, while “being good” for women still implies docility.

This may be part of the reason why women do not come forward right away when they are abused or taken advantage of in the workplace.  In the article referenced above, by Jill Filapovic, she stated that this was partially because “women have been conditioned for acquiescence to authority and male power their whole lives.”  Wow.  That is so true.

I guess I am coming to realize that some of the ways I have held back from pursuing some of my goals and aspirations was because society at large was continuing to affect my decision-making.  I am still acting like a “good girl” in that I am trying not to be too assertive.  It’s ridiculous really, because what I know to be true and what I have been conditioned to think are in conflict with each other.

Interestingly, I have discovered, that even just by writing this blog, I have come to believe I can do the things I want to do. I am drawing attention to myself by what I do, and finally, it feels “good.”  I no longer have to limit myself by the expectations of my youth.  I can finally just be good at being me.

Have you ever observed people who are self-absorbed?  They seem to spend most of their time pursuing self-gratification.  It is difficult to be grateful if one is always searching for more of something.  

Gratitude is finding satisfaction with what one has, whether it is a lot or very little.  Being thankful has little to do with things outside of oneself.  It is a deep feeling of fullness inside. One can find this “fullness” by being generous with one’s time, talent or treasure.  How can a person not feel gratitude when one is able to give.  And each of us has something to contribute.

There’s the rub.  Thinking only of oneself precludes giving to others.  Absorption, by definition, has to do with taking in, the opposite of giving out.  The wonder of gratitude is that by giving we always receive.  It’s like feeling good about something twice for each action we perform.  One can feel good about what one has and feel grateful for the opportunity to share it with others.

Gratitude is a state of mind and a state of being, just as self-absorption is.  I think that the most loving thing a parent can do is to teach gratitude by example.  Not only can it lead to learning to live a life of thankfulness, but it could encourage the teaching of this philosophy to another generation.  I can think of no greater legacy.

Thank you for allowing me to write this piece that you are reading.  I am so happy to have you in my life.  Even if you never respond, I am grateful that you took the time to do so.  And for those of you who “like” what I have to say and/or comment, I am filled with joy.  That’s because gratitude recognizes the goodness in this world.  Thank you for the goodness you are giving to me.  I am so grateful.

There is very little that can quickly upset me more than witnessing mean-spiritedness.  Even if one dislikes another person, for whatever reason, there is no justification for actions influenced by that sort of mentality.  But, first of all, I must remember that meanness can be a manifestation of insecurity.  Lashing out can be a way of deflecting those uncomfortable feelings.  

Being mean to another person can temporarily make a person feel powerful.  However, that same person, when they are alone, can feel powerless and worse than before.  So, when one witnesses another person being the object of another’s abuse, one must keep in mind, the fact that this sort of behavior by the perpetrator is not coming from a place of strength.  Then, it may be possible to effect a more positive outcome if intervention becomes necessary.

I remember so clearly, a moment between me and my young son, when he asked me, “Why are people mean, Mommy?”  My response was to tell him that other people had probably been mean to them.  It is true that we learn how to behave from the adults around us.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to understand this dynamic, so I could deflect this behavior when I witnessed it.  I still don’t have a definitive answer.  But it helps to try to see the real person, behind the mask of their behavior.

I was a sheltered child, removed from most opportunities to see the darker side of things.  It was possible to do this, growing up in the 50’s and 60’s.  Today, unless children have limited contact with television and other media, sheltering is nearly impossible.  And then, when children go to school, their exposure to negative aspects of society are magnified exponentially.

I guess the best anecdote to mean-spiritedness is in exposing children to as much positive activity as possible.   If one learns to see good in the world from early childhood, and adults talk about negative things that can happen to people, then they will be able to create opportunities to learn deflective behavior.  In addition, by doing this, adults can model empathy and compassion, so that the next generation will be better equipped to solve the problems that they will experience.  They may even learn to be a positive force in their own lives and the lives of the people around them.  Good gracious!  We all know that the world needs a lot more of that!