One year ago, today, was the last time I saw Seth. It’s the anniversary of our last haircut, the one that Jean and I gave him, and the one he had re-done, the next day. We know because the receipt for the haircut was in his wallet.

He always wore a baseball cap, which caused his hair to do things that he didn’t like, like curl up around the back of his hat at the nape of his neck. But it was a Catch-22 situation. He started wearing the hat whenever he wasn’t happy with his hair. And then the source of his hair problems, became the hat-wearing, and its effect. And when it came to his hair, he was hard to please. He knew it, and I knew it.

So that day, when he called and asked me to cut his hair, I had questioned him about whether he even knew what he wanted, so I could evaluate the possibility of pleasing him. It was “just a trim”, he said. “Okay”, I said.

I was so busy that day, I could hardly see straight. That’s why my sister-in-law, Jean was there. She was helping me wade through my paperwork.

So, I began to cut his hair and she continued to work on some things for me in my office. After a while, she came up and said she wouldn’t mind finishing the haircut. He said okay and I was relieved. I went back to my work.

Afterward, they cleaned up the bathroom, and he came down to my office to say goodbye and thanks. He whispered to me, before Jean came into the room, that he wasn’t really happy with the cut, but that he would not ever tell that to Aunt Jean. Me, he could tell. After all, I was his mom, and it wasn’t something I hadn’t experienced before.

He was picky about his hair. So what? The important thing was, he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He was such a sweet kid. She came into the room. He thanked us both. He hugged and kissed us, told me he loved me and said goodbye. Then, he left.

Of course, I told Jean what he had said. I knew she would understand and appreciate the sweetness. She has her own son and could relate to the situation. He was grateful for our efforts, even if he didn’t like the results.

It was several days later, after the funeral, and Jean had dried out his wallet for me. I was at her house, and she showed me the contents. Among the few things that were in there was a receipt from a haircut place, dated the day after our haircut. She asked me if she could keep it. I said, “Yes, of course.” We smiled and laughed at the memory. And then we hugged and I had a good, long cry.

I don’t remember who used to say this, but growing up, I remember someone often saying, “I’ll have to make a mental list of that.”  I don’t know why, but those words just appealed to me. Making a mental list was something I imagined as a tiny piece of magic paper in my mind that would somehow hold all of the things I wanted to remember.  It sure would come in handy now that my memory seems to be getting worse by the day.

I decided to “google” it.  I found this quote by Norman Vincent Peale:  “Make a mental list of happy thoughts and pass them through your mind several times every day.”  That’s a terrific idea!  I should do that, before I forget.

I had a great idea today while driving that I felt was just too good to forget.  As it turns out, I was wrong. I haven’t been able to remember it since and have zero confidence in finding that thought anytime soon.  Darn. I wanted to write about it too.

If only I could keep mental lists on everything I wanted to remember.  One of them would have to be names. I once had a fabulous memory that could rattle off the names of pertinent people at committee meetings, and even know the telephone numbers of those people.  What a loss. It is true that one never knows the full value of something quite as well, until one no longer has it.

I decided that maybe the mental list I could handle now, would be to start my day off, as I usually do, with prayer that includes the intention of improving my memory.  Then, I could read a list of happy thoughts, until I could say them by heart. After that, I would just need to keep a running paper list that I would read in the morning after my prayers.

I want to say that I’ll make a mental list of it, but you and I know that it wouldn’t be true. I don’t want to tell myself that I can do something that I know I can’t accomplish. Still, if I could just handle the “happy thoughts” that Mr. Peale wrote about, I think that it would be a step in the right direction.  Sometimes, that is all one can hope for. And that is okay too.

I have always had great affection for older people.  I was fortunate enough to have both sets of my grandparents within blocks of my house when I was growing up.  I could see them anytime I wanted. And I wanted to see them. They loved me and showed it each in their own way.  I was blessed to have them as a part of my daily life.

My grandparents were all immigrants.  My father’s parents were from Belgium and my mother’s parents were from Sicily.  My dad’s mom spoke very good English and my grandfather spoke it too, but not as well.  He immigrated as an adult, while she was a child when she came here.

My mother’s parents never really spoke English very well.  They were a married couple with two small children when they came here.  Then they lived in an Italian neighborhood, as was the experience of many an immigrant coming here.  Assimilation is much harder to do when you are older. But the kids had it much easier and grew up bilingual.

Regardless, these were the older people I knew while growing up.  They were treasures in my life. Language was never a problem, even with my Italian grandparents.  One reason was that food was a way of communicating. It said, “I love you, therefore I feed you.” And, of course the physical affection was also given to to me by all of them.  Always, hugs and kisses accompanied my comings and goings.

Because of these things, I always have gravitated to older people.  They have so much to give as guardians of the past and givers of wisdom.  And, unfortunately, they are too often neglected or forgotten in our culture.  Today, people are often separated from their families due to the inability to care for them as they develop infirmity and memory loss.  I am not criticizing those who need this kind of help in caring for their family members. It is just an unfortunate situation we face as our population lives longer and longer. Through the years, I have worked with the elderly in jobs and as a volunteer.  The times that have stuck with me the most, have been when I have reached out to someone to shake their hand and they haven’t wanted to let go. It is so hard to leave a person when this happens. But finally, one has to break free. It feels just awful. But sometimes, others are waiting to have their turn.  This says a lot about the need to be touched.

One thing that is important to me to communicate, is that we owe the elderly for our very existence.  And if we can each just find some way to appreciate them and give back to them, we will all benefit. I realize that not all older people are easy to be with, and that some are even abusive.  Regardless, the elderly deserve to be given care and respect.

As I am aging, I can better relate to them, because I am coming ever closer to that time of life.  I guess we should think about how we want to be treated and do things now that will make others think well of us.  In this way, when we become very old, we will be the people that children will still want to visit and who will treasure us as we age.

In writing about true strength, let me begin with the definitions of the word “strength.” According to Merriam-Webster, the first definition means:  1.  the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance.  There are nine definitions in all.  Four of these include the word “force” in their definition.  They are: legal, logical or moral force, as well as force as measured in numbers.  So what do I consider “true strength?”

Well, here goes.  I think of true strength as being a powerful character trait.  A person with true strength possesses moral courage and conviction.  Such a person is a champion of the disadvantaged and of causes that help people.  Brute strength is not a part of this equation. Gentleness is a much more difficult type of strength to master.  That is where true strength begins.

Of course, nurturing what I think of as true strength, requires an empathetic, compassionate person.  Such a person would have a healthy self-image and in turn, would be able to build good self-esteem in others.

True strength is most poignant  when such a person steps into the background, so that others can come to the forefront and shine.  Selflessness would be embodied in this person.  This is the kind of strength that is needed to make peace in our world.  There is more than enough examples of the other kinds of strength.  

One of the most admirable traits that one can aspire to be is someone with this kind of strength.   It is sorely needed in today’s society, where wars and weapons are seen as the answer to problems.

We will never find peace if all we do is attack.  True strength could change things.  But first it must be pursued.  Only then will we become the kind of world where we can begin to see each person as a child of God, worthy of care.

Hatred begets hatred.  True strength knows that we can agree to disagree. This attitude is the first step to the changing of one’s mind.  And changing one’s mind in this way is the first step in building peace.  

What if most people would start each day with a deep breath and a positive thought?  And what if we each tried to learn one piece of good news before looking at the negative headlines of the day.  The good news wouldn’t have to be from a news source.  It could just be something that we take for granted, like being able to breathe.  For instance, after taking that one deep breath, one could just be thankful for the ability to do so.  That’s good news, isn’t it?

And when things go wrong, what if we focused on one small action we could take to make things better, even if it was just a touch of the hand, a smile, or sitting with someone who needs a person to be there?  What if we each decided to do something good for no reason at all?

There is a part of our humanity that cannot be seen from the outside, except through action.  It is that feeling inside each of us.  One can call it heart, or soul, or spirit.  And even if one hasn’t found this within, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.  It may just need to be discovered.

Positive intention is what I am talking about.  Some people call this prayer.  But even if one does not pray or believe in prayer, prayer is good intention.  It is an action of goodness and kindness. These are things all people, regardless of belief, can aspire to, and give.

Giving is key.  Giving of any kind.  It need not be something outside of ourselves, as in money or necessities.  Some of us don’t have those resources.  But anyone can have good intention and that can be a gift as well.

Being there, thinking of others and doing what one can, could change things for the better. Optimism is free and it can be given and received.  One’s time, in service to others, is a gift. What if more people thought of themselves as gift-givers?

What if we just took the time to consider these things on a daily basis?  A collective shift in our ways of thinking, could make a huge difference in our world.  A critical mass is all it takes to change the minds of people everywhere.  If I start in my corner of the world and you start in yours, who knows what could happen?  What if we just tried?