Who is my neighbor?  I have been thinking about this question a lot lately.  Are they just the people who live next door?  Are they only the people who look like me, think like me, talk like me, believe the things that I do?  I don’t think so.  I wonder how most people would answer these questions?

It seems to me that our lives often revolve around the people we love and like, those we work with and who live around us.  That is not a bad thing.  But it’s just pretty much a person’s comfort zone, and/or the people we are in touch with on a regular basis.  I have always been attracted to people who have a different experience from my own.  I have found that it enriches my life in so many ways.

In the Christian faith, loving one’s neighbor as oneself is a commandment.  However, this is a concept understood and taught in many faiths and beliefs.  And one does not need to have a belief in God to love their neighbor.  Many people lead selfless, loving lives who do not believe in God.  Religion and faith in God do not necessarily determine loving behavior either.

The people I don’t understand are the ones that profess belief in God, but do not act in loving ways.  The exclusion of others who do not believe the same things as we do tends to make one’s world smaller and more unkind.  This is not an action of love.  Love is inclusive.  It does not separate or divide.

So, who is my neighbor anyway?  I think it includes everyone, regardless of their behavior, or appearance, faith, beliefs, or lack of them.  Believing in the good that is in each of us, however much it may not show itself is making room for redemption.  There is the same potential for evil and good in every human being.  We must judge the actions of people.  The judgement of actions, whether good or evil, are necessary for a society to function successfully.  But always, it is important to have the opportunity for forgiveness.  Forgiveness is essential to living and believing in love.

So, I guess it’s up to each of us to decide who we consider to be our neighbor.  It is a choice that only you and I can and must make.  It is what determines our individual “world” and the world we collectively create.

In today’s increasingly diverse population, one would think that it would be easier to be open-minded, tolerant and inclusive.  Prejudices against those who are not like oneself is detrimental to all of us. Even if we just consider simple economics, we are all better off when we respect each other.  To be creators and consumers in our collective society, it would seem wise to include all kinds of people in our ventures, in order to succeed in business and to have workable relationships.

This is a logical thing to do.  The more consumers of goods and services can vary, the more avenues for new business can prosper.  This creates a mutually beneficial enterprise.  

While living in Southern California in the 80’s, I remember thinking that there weren’t as many racial prejudices as in the Midwest, where I grew up.  While I found this generally to be true, I was shocked to discover that one of my next-door neighbors thought it was okay to use racial slurs in a conversation.

The experience of discovering this fact caused me to think about such prejudices from different perspectives.  It occurred to me, after studying this more extensively, that one of the reasons most people interacted with others that they disliked, was simple economics.  By creating products that catered to this or that group, an opportunity to make money was initiated.  By selling particular goods or services that attracted a particular segment of the population, one could find niche opportunities.

I observed that by doing these things, prejudice inadvertently facilitated a new way of doing business.  In this way, unique markets were created.  So, the seller and consumer were now connected in a symbiotic way.  Eventually, people would come into contact with each other in different situations, and perhaps even a tiny step toward a cooperative exchange could materialize and relationships could be formed.

There was a lot of diversity in our neighborhood.  When my husband went to check out the school that our children would attend, he said that the children had just lined up after recess to return to the classroom.  He said it looked like they had just filmed the Coke commercial with all the children from many cultures singing together, “I’d like to teach the world to sing …  “ The people I came into contact with, at my children’s school and at church were very inclusive.  So, other than my neighbor, I did not witness negative racial prejudices.  That does not mean that there weren’t any, but it was not blatant.

Prejudices give unfair advantages to the majority over the minority and the wealthy over the poor.  The questions to ask are:  “What actions are beneficial to society as a whole?  Do we evolve and thrive, as a society, by leveling the playing field?  Do we value equality?”  The way in which these questions are answered will determine the collective future of people in our society.  The next generation will either benefit from, or suffer the effects of our decisions.  We have nothing to lose by ridding ourselves of negative prejudices, and so much to gain.

I attended a talk by Barbara Coloroso sometime in the 80’s at my children’s school entitled, “Kids Are Worth It!”  It was one of two presentations being held, one for teachers and one for parents.  The philosophy and the particular concepts she spoke of and taught, resonated with me.  It was not punishment oriented.  Instead, it was teaching us how to find the appropriate consequences for inappropriate actions that our children displayed.  The difference between the two lectures had to do with specifics, situations that occur in the classroom and those that occur at home.

One of the things she said was, “Say what you mean.  Mean what you say.  And do what you said you were going to do.”  I can’t tell you how many times I have said these words to myself.  But I didn’t always do what these three sentences said.  I honestly wanted to be consistent, and tried, but often failed.  Still, the main thing was to apologize when I was really off the mark and try to do better.  I must say that to the extent that I was specific and clear about the consequences, it worked out very well.  Needless to say, I was a student in all this as much as they were.

The title of the presentation was “Kids Are Worth It!”  Nothing could be more true.  If we are to create a better, more kind and peaceful place to live, we need to remember that kids are worth it.  They are worth the time and energy and loving discipline that every child needs to become a responsible adult that wants to contribute to the creation of a world that can work for everyone.

People are worth it.  We start out as children who develop a worldview based on their own experiences.  If they can see what it’s like to be responsible by learning self discipline, we are all the better for it.  It is worth it, as adults, to learn these concepts for ourselves so that we can teach the next generation how to resolve conflict in a logical and peaceful way.  Nobody’s perfect.  I am certainly not.  And I have made many mistakes.  Still do.  But the important thing is to keep trying because kids are worth it, and so are we.

It is possible, if one is committed to choose love over hate, for a person to learn to agree to disagree.  This is surely one of the most difficult goals people can have in their lives.  For some, it may be considered impossible.  This is understandable.  When we feel intense negative emotions for hateful actions pointed against ourselves or the people we love, we are tempted to react in kind.  It may be seen as an action of defense.  But such actions are motivated by anger and retribution.  This is not conducive to finding peace in our hearts and in our world.  We each have a role to play in making the world a more equitable place to live.

I wrote a prayer for myself that I pray everyday that includes this intention: I pray for all the people I love so dearly and like so much and “for all the people I don’t like and have trouble loving, that we may all learn how to agree to disagree.”  I say this to remind myself that extreme dislike of a person can lead to hatred.  At any point, in different situations, feeling love may not be possible.  But a good start is to learn to agree to disagree.

I realize that this may seem simplistic.  In a way, it is.  But, even little things matter.  Although we can’t be assured of changing a situation, we can refuse to contribute to the negative forces.  We can agree to disagree.  

This challenge is a constant in my life.  When I read about the atrocities and the injustices that happen all over our world, it saddens me deeplyy, but there is so little I can do about it.  The challenge is to find the opportunities available for me to become a part of a solution for problems closer to home.  Even if my efforts are unsuccessful, I will have learned something about myself.  That will make it more likely for me to do better in the future.  Most of all, I believe that the first step in all of these endeavors is learning to agree to disagree.

There are so many reasons it is hard to find common ground in our divided world.  The differences seem to outweigh the similarities in so many aspects of our lives.  But we need to remember how much we have in common just by being human.  Each of us is born of a mother and arrives in much the same way, whether in a hospital, at home, in a car or a tent or wherever the child decides to come out and meet the world.  It happens in times of war as in times of peace, at any time of the day or night.

Many of us have mothers who have loved us from the moment of conception, while others are born to mothers that may not even be able to take care of their children for various reasons.  But all of us have been born of women.  We all begin life naked and dependent on our caretakers whomever they turn out to be.

So, we all grow up in different circumstances and places to be cared for, or not, according to the people charged with raising us.  We are many different colors, shapes and sizes, but we are all human beings with the same basic needs.

The reasons why we are so divided has to do with the larger world around us.  The leaders of countries and the most wealthy people are the ones calling the shots and they are not necessarily the ones who have cared for their own children, let alone all children.  Women leaders have often been the ones who care more for the whole of the population they serve.  However, having power over the lives of their constituencies requires a deep concern for all the people that are served, not just the rich and powerful.

Finding common ground, it seems to me, is realizing that the way we treat each other on a daily basis has everything to do with the degree of commonality regular people can find and build upon.  It is in coming together that we find common ground.  And the men and women who are the mothers and fathers are the ones to show the way.  They are the ones who will find the common ground needed to make our world a more equitable place for all of us to live.