When my son died suddenly, many years ago now, I was able to sleep.  Sleeping became a significant part of my grieving process.  I can’t believe that I was able to do so much sleeping, but I am glad that I could.  It was an amazing gift, because it was respite from the many emotions that were coursing through my mind and my body.

It was an escape and a chance for my body to rest in between all the deep feelings of loss and all of the physical reactions that would sneak into my every waking moment.  Without any fanfare, they would overtake my body, heart and mind. 

I found it hard to believe the fact that within me I had this escape from it all.  It made me so grateful to experience this in the midst of all my sadness.  In the past, I had always dreamt when I slept.  But now, I was being transported into a state of “nothingness,” and the dreams were gone.  I could have had nightmares, had this not been true.  It was a tremendous relief from the heartbreak, the crying, the very depth of my bereavement.

God blessed me in this way and I didn’t know why I was being given this grace, when I knew that so many of my grieving friends were not being gifted in this way.  I was embarrassed by this and never shared this with the grief groups I attended.  And so, I said prayers of thanksgiving and prayers for my friends.  Prayer and gratitude saved me from the depths of despair.

I had made a new friend, just months before my son’s death.  When she found out what had happened, she was worried that I might not be able to sleep.  And so she stayed up all night praying that I would sleep through the night.  And I did, not only that first night, but every night.  I called her my sleep angel.  She moved away and we lost touch, but I will always remember her.  She too was a gift from God that helped me through that very first night.  And she is still in my prayers every night before I go to bed. 

Have you ever asked yourself, ”Am I a good steward?”  It’s a question to ask ourselves from time time to time, if we want our world to work for all people, regardless of their status in life.  A particular  person’s circumstance of being born, whether to a single mother, a family with two parents or a survivor of catastrophe are out of our control from day one.  But as children grow and mature, they are influenced by these early factors.  Therefore, an individual is born into an environment that either nurtures stewardship or doesn’t.  

That is where each of us begins.  So where one goes from there is up to each person to decide.  First of all, we must ask ourselves if we even know what stewardship means?  After all, the word itself may have never been used in conversation.  What is important though, is the meaning of  stewardship.  That is what matters.  Basically, they are people who deeply care about other people.

After some internet research I found many characteristics of good stewards.  Here are the ones I consider as they fit into my worldview: 

*they are committed to serving others

*they believe in sustainability

*they practice inclusiveness

*they embrace innovation and change

*they are team players

*they believe in communication

*they always acknowledge and thank people 

If this list of characteristics appeals to you, you are probably already doing some or most of these things. If they are already an important part of your life, then you most likely are exhibiting good stewardship whether or not you describe it in  these terms.  Being a good steward is something to strive to do for ourselves and others.  Whether we are successful or not, is determined by the people around us.  But if I ask myself the question, “Am I a good steward?” it becomes a little self-evaluation that keeps me thinking of these goals.  It is a way for me, as an individual, to strive to contribute to a worldview that values all of our citizens.  Maybe this is your path too. It may not seem like much for a person to do.  But to me, every little bit matters.  

Is “finding oneself” even a thing we set out to do?  Or does it refer to the maturity we acquire just as we are living our lives?  Do we ever truly know who we are at any given time?  Or is it only in retrospect that a person “finds oneself?”

I feel that in my own life, I am still discovering who I am and who I am becoming.  Maybe we are all just a continuing “work in progress.”  Maybe finding oneself is just being more aware of the life we are leading.

For me, it seems that I am always judging my actions and thoughts.  Do I love enough?  Do I treasure my family and friends as much as I should?  Am I grateful for every blessing I enjoy?  Am I kind?  Helpful?  Non-judgemental? 

These are hard questions to answer.  And yet, we can’t expect ourselves to be perfect in all these things.  To be improving, as we age, seems to be a worthy and somewhat easier goal.  At least it is doable.

I am not sure why I think about such things.  Maybe it is that as we get older, we cannot help but acquire more knowledge and self-awareness.  And maybe self-awareness causes us to think more deeply about what truly matters in one’s life.

When I was young, the definition of “finding oneself” was more about finding my life’s path.  Did I want to marry and have children?  Did I want to have a career?  Did I want to try and do both?  What was I looking for in my life and how was I going to accomplish it?

As I am thinking and writing about this topic, I look back and see that I have asked a lot of questions.  Maybe the act of “finding oneself” is a continual, conscious effort of self-evaluating and trying to improve one’s personal journey in life.  I guess we all are “works in progress.”  And perhaps, that quest continues until we breathe our last breath.

To the young man who hit my mom’s car:

You crashed into my mom’s car several days ago.  It was parked on the street.  I know it’s only a car, but to me and my mom it was much more than that.  She loved that car.  And this action has affected our lives in ways you do not know about.  It’s still my mom’s car, who just turned 94 and I mostly drive her to her doctor’s appointments in it.  She was going to give me the car but because of the pandemic I haven’t been able to go to the license bureau because I am not going anywhere that I don’t absolutely have to go.  Basically, I used it to go back and forth to be with my mom.  Now, I don’t have one. 

My mom bought this car 19 years ago and it only has 22,000 miles on it.  Even now, it was in pristine condition having been checked regularly by her mechanic, even when it had not been driven very much.  It didn’t have a scratch or a dent on it.  It had been in my mom’s garage until recently.  We really loved that car.  And now it has been ruined and will probably be totaled.  But because of its age it will not have the monetary value from your insurance to replace it in any way close to what it was worth, even with low mileage.  It was very valuable to us.

I was still in bed when my car alarm woke me up.  The policeman told me you were probably on your phone, but after further examination of the damage, even if you weren’t, you were going at a speed that was fast enough to crash the back rear panel on the driver’s side and to ruin the axle.  The back tires are tilted sideways and the top rim of the wheel on the back right tire has been bent. Part of the concrete curb next to the tire has been broken off.  The car was also pushed into the hitch on my husband’s car and it put a hole in the front fender.  I want you to consider these facts and ask yourself if your driving was within the speed limit. 

The car is not driveable.  The damage is irreparable and the car is irreplaceable.  Consider the fact that driving a car is not a right.  It is a privilege.  You need to be totally aware at all times.  You are young.  If you are fortunate, you will be driving for many years.  Drive safely, without your phone in your hand.   Don’t answer it or make calls while you are behind the wheel.  Pull over.  Call the person back.  Or better yet, wait until you get to your destination.   And never, ever, text while driving.  All of these things are against the law for good reason.  It is even illegal to text or use a phone at a traffic stop.  And one more thing you could have done, but didn’t.  You were out there, by your vehicle, across the street, all the while on your phone, and didn’t even think to apologize to us.   

You need to drive carefully, always!.  There are many situations that challenge even the best, most seasoned drivers.  Driving is serious business.  This time, it was only a car.   

It is important to share good news.  Sharing good news is passing on positive energy that can elicit the sensation that creates goodwill.  When bad news abounds and there is no good news to counter that feeling, it can cause people to fear and show anger.  Fear can never produce the endorphins we need to feel a sense of well-being.  Anger is the outcropping of fear.  And fear is the enemy of goodwill.  That’s why good news is needed in so many situations.

I often wonder why human beings choose to cling to negative obstacles rather than follow a path to a more peaceful life.  I don’t mean a life without care or worries, because there are many factors out of a person’s control, such as health problems and poverty.  But I have witnessed people who refuse to be consumed by self-pity or anger even when their lives are full of these challenges.  With two people who have an identical problem, one may choose to see the as glass half-full while another person may choose to see the very same thing as half-empty.

Many of the attitudes we have as adults were passed on to us by our families.  The family is the first source of what feelings and attitudes are acceptable.  Their values are the only ones that exist in young children’s lives.

So then, when a person faces the world outside, an attitude has already been formed.  Good news may not even be trusted.  However, the more that good news permeates our communication in the media and life outside our homes, the more likely it is to see the hopeful possibilities that are in our midst.

Good news needs to have a louder voice in all of our lives.  The continuous barrage of negative messaging in the news, social media and conversations we have with others need to be counteracted or challenged with positive ones.  We need to spread our own good news to as many people as we can.  People are all around us, doing good things and we all need to spread that information to every person we can reach.  Good news has no negative side effects.  And it makes you feel better by doing it.  There is nothing to lose and everything to gain.  So let’s do ourselves a favor and spread good news!