Eight days ago, my mother died.  She was completely independent, living in the house my father built for them until she had a fall at age 92.  That fall produced fractures in her back that caused her to be in intensive care for 10 days over Christmas.  We moved her to my brother’s house where she could be in our care and where she would have lots of room, all on the first floor, that would greatly accommodate her recovery. She became proficient with a walker. She always wanted to go back home to the house my father built, to be independent again.  And that was her plan all along.  But in the end, that was not to be.

My brother, sister-in-law and I cared for her, never leaving her alone for a minute.  So at least one of us was with her for over 2 years and we had her wonderful presence for all that time.  I was mostly with her during the day.  Her ability to ambulate gradually diminished over time, but she was able to stand with assistance until a week or so before she died.

As she progressively got weaker, Hospice came into our lives providing all the things we needed to move her and make her comfortable.  She had a fantastic nurse who came to guide us through the experience.  She loved him.  And even in the last few weeks, she continued to be her wonderful, amazing self.  She had a terrific sense of humor, laughed at all my jokes and funny behaviors and listened to me just as she always had.  I read her many books and we watched “The Waltons”  on TV.  Otherwise, we just talked and enjoyed each other’s company.

I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to be with her.  She was my rock all my life.  I was so blessed to have her and her boundless love.  And that is what makes my grief so much deeper.  I know that she is still within me.  But she will never hold me in her comforting embrace again.  This is the very worst thing because we were so physically affectionate.  The fact that I will never feel her healing touch again is so devastating!  I am trying to visualize it, because I know she will always be watching over me.  I will miss her touch for the rest of my life.  And I am so grateful that I had her for so long, because that was the greatest blessing of all.

When you find yourself restless in bed, have you ever tried praying yourself to sleep?  I have.  It has saved me from many nights of worry and nervousness.  The things that often keep us up at night usually cannot be assuaged by rumination on the problem or problems.  It can, however, make the worrisome issue(s) much worse.  In my experience, ruminating does not tend to ever help my emotional distress.

So, some years ago, I decided to try praying the rosary because it can be like a mantra that has a soothing rhythm to it.  Other types of mantras or affirmations could also be helpful to people.  But for me, prayer has always had the power to transform my thoughts and feelings.  Repetitive prayer of any kind has the capacity to calm a person.  Other prayers can be just as helpful to others, I am sure.  I don’t have the answers of what will work for others.  This is just one way to pray.  I am only offering it as an example.  It is one that works for me.

I find it interesting to discover how different people cope with the difficult situations in their lives.  When we share our experiences, attempts and solutions, we can open our minds to the many, different possibilities.  Even in subjects that are concrete, such as math, opening our minds to different ways of solving a problem can be a useful comparison.  The way we approach all aspects of our lives is dependent on what we already know.  Sharing ideas and experiences can be helpful, or not, to others.  But it doesn’t hurt to put our ideas into the mix.

So, the question remains.  Have you ever tried praying yourself to sleep?  If you ever find yourself in a situation where nothing else is working, you just might want to give it a try.  If you do, I hope you will find it to be a positive solution for a restless night, as I have.  In my life experience, I have found that prayer always helps.

I love to write and was intrigued by the idea of writing a blog.  So, I did a search on the internet and found a site where I could ask questions and have someone to guide me through it.  After learning about it I decided to use WordPress.  It seemed easy and mostly it was just that.  At least starting up was doable.  I am still trying to figure out how to make my front page look better.  There are so many things to know about how to display my site.  But mostly, I just wanted to write and share my ideas with others.  

So I began to think of what I’d like to write about.  My list of topics has grown to 519 ideas and I still think of new ones.  As of today I have published 277 of them on my site.  This one’s for next Sunday, as I post one every week on that day.  The hard part is deciding the topic from my list.  If nothing grabs me, I usually can come up with a new, different topic.  I am amazed that I can continue to come up with new ones.  I never knew I could do this until I tried it.

It’s really all about sharing my thoughts and giving my take on a subject.  It is also about telling stories that come from my experiences.  Sometimes they are funny and some are quite serious.  I am just an “old chick” talking to myself and writing it down, by sharing my perspective of the lessons I have learned. Then I post it, hoping it will be interesting enough for people to read it.

Thankfully, enough people are reading it for me to continue doing this.  And I am grateful that some of them will take the time to comment or even just click on the “like” icon.  It makes me happy to communicate in this way, especially now, with a pandemic isolating me from my friends and family.  Please feel free to comment.  I promise to respond. And thank you for reading this.  Hope to hear from you soon!

I have always enjoyed, and even craved, looking forward to something.  It can be something as simple as anticipating a day off or a special meal.  I always look forward to having lunch with a friend at a restaurant because we can just sit and talk while other people wait on us.  It is an easy way of adding enjoyment to one’s life.  Just looking forward to savoring a favorite food is something I relish.

The reason looking forward to something is such a good thing to do is that it encompasses anticipation.  Anticipation always adds to the pleasure of the experience.  That’s why instant gratification is often disappointing.  It is beneficial to see that waiting can have the added bonus of excitement leading up to the anticipated thing or event. 

That is not to say that disappointment won’t ever occur when looking forward to something.  Things just don’t always go as planned.  But that is just the reality of life.  Disappointment is part of life too.  But to me, that only makes looking forward to something new, and having it happen, more gratifying.

Whenever I plan something I love to do, I always try to have a backup plan that I can use when things go wrong.  That way, if I don’t get to do or experience the planned event, I still will have a second alternative to counteract the disappointment.

When my children were very small, I always waited until the day of an outing or other activity I had planned because they were too young to understand that things can change at the last minute.  But as they grew older, and they were able to see the value of delayed gratification, they learned the benefit of looking forward to something.

As I get older, delayed gratification in the form of looking forward is part and parcel of my life now.  So many things can get in the way of the plans I make. But that is okay because I have learned if a person waits longer for something that was looked forward to, the enjoyment of it is that much more savored in the end.  It is one of the benefits of growing old.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

There is power in forgiveness.  Forgiveness is at the very heart of peace.  This is because through forgiveness, we become free of the prison of resentment and the limits it places on our happiness.  This does not mean that one has to accept harmful behavior or make oneself a victim of it.  We can just refuse to give it power over our individual lives.

I remember reading or hearing it said that forgiveness is a gift that a person gives to oneself.  This makes perfect sense in that it relieves that person from the burden of bad feelings and even trauma.  Holding on to a hurt or slight or whatever insult may be involved is a grief a person need not bear.  Sometimes it is a betrayal of a confidence or grievous suffering caused by an individual.  This is not at all easy and may take time to accomplish.  But it is something one does for oneself, not the perpetrator.

In my own life, when I have felt hurt or betrayed I have often fallen into the trap of resentment.  It is so easy to do this.  But there are times when a person must feel the pain deeply in order to let go of it.  It is oftentimes necessary, just to get it out of one’s system.  Before you let go of the pain, you must go through it to get to the other side of it.  Then you can allow forgiveness to heal you.  The point is not to let it fester and affect other parts of your life and take away your joy.  No one can take your peace of mind away from you unless you allow it.

I have found this out for myself, the hard way.  Every time you let another person control your feelings indefinitely, you have let your power be stolen from you.  But we also must remember that the gift of peace can always be claimed if only we are brave enough to forgive and sometimes, even to forgive oneself.