After grieving the loss of my father, my son, and now my mother, I find that I am still learning about grief.  Every time I have grieved, it has been different and yet the same in many ways.  I know the stages of grief and how they have manifested themselves in my life thus far.  There is no way to predict how each loss affects a person.

I have found that for me, the only way to survive the losses in my family, has been to let the grief pour over me.  You cannot stop it from happening.  No amount of resistance will keep you safe from it.  You can postpone it by refusing to let it go through you.  And you can even make it so difficult that you will carry it for the rest of your life.

But I have come to believe that there is something one can call “good grief.”  Good grief is being able to allow the process to happen.  Let it make you cry, scream, curse, or be angry.  Get it out of your system!  But try not to despair.  Try not to take it out on others.  Let people help you.

I realize that I am so unfamiliar with many of the negative reactions one can have when facing grief.  I don’t know what it’s like to have unresolved issues or bad relationships with those I have lost.  I can’t imagine what that is like and have no business even talking about that kind of grief.  But professional help can be good for any of us and especially those who must deal with conflicted relationships, or worst of all, abuse.  That is something I don’t understand and can’t imagine.  Seeking help would seem to be the only recourse.

And going to counseling is something I have done many times and in many ways for the difficult times of my life.  There are other griefs that do not involve death.

“Living griefs” is how I refer to them.  These griefs can rarely, sometimes never, be resolved.  But one can learn to cope and bear them with help.

One thing is certain. A person will probably not go through life without experiencing some kind of grief.  That’s because grief is a part of life that is attached to every person.  It’s part of being human.  And, if one thinks about it, having someone to grieve is a gift.  For if we lose someone we love, grief is a natural part of that love when they are gone.  And I for one, would never wish it otherwise.

It is exceedingly important to always remember that words are powerful.  We have so many examples of this in history, where the choice of words by powerful people determined the fates of entire peoples all over the world.  And it continues to happen.  Hate speech is perhaps the worst kind of violence because it can spur and spread a physical reaction of hatred in other people.  Hatred breeds hatred as effectively as love breeds love.  All that needs to happen is for the right audience to show up and be manipulated.

The reason I have chosen to write about this, is because the power of love is the antidote to hatred.  And compassion is the most powerful force of love that can heal the brokenness of people. 

We must remember that fear is the impetus of hatred.  I remember the first time I heard that hatred came from fear.  I was young and couldn’t fully understand it.  In my innocence, I could not imagine myself hating anyone because it frightened me.  I didn’t see the connection.

As I grew up I began to see this phenomenon being exhibited in people.  But I still couldn’t fully understand it.  I was one of the most fortunate ones, because I was loved and protected from circumstances that would have exposed me to such behavior.  I found it hard to understand, even as I grew older, because I had never experienced anything close to hatred growing up.    

Today, there is so much fear that hate has a very plentiful source of subjects to exploit by manipulating that fear into hateful action.  And there are people in powerful positions ready to exert their influence.

“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but it is really fear.” – Mahatma Ghandi

Hate is powerful, but without an adequate source of fear it cannot thrive.  Compassion is much more powerful and it has the ability to heal those broken by fear and hate.  That’s why we must always remember that words are powerful and learn the words we need to promote love and caring into our environments and lives.  For then, fear will be more strongly challenged by the powerful words of love.  And that is a most noble quest to pursue. 

I have two voices in my head.  I call one “good Lora” and the other “evil Lora.”  I don’t think that it is terribly unusual to have these voices.  I just decided to name them, because that’s how I have learned to identify where these thoughts (voices) are coming from.  By naming them, I am able to identify whether or not I should heed what they have to say to me.

I don’t think I am the only one who has these “voices.”  I just found that naming them has helped me make better decisions on whether or not to consider what they have to say.

“Good Lora” is positive and encouraging.  She helps me to see the glass as half-full instead of “half empty.”  While “evil Lora” is always giving me messages of self-doubt and discouragement.  When I am sad or unmotivated, “evil Lora” takes advantage of my condition by adding to it.  More negative messages begin to pour in.  It’s like she wants to kick me when I am down.

“Good Lora” always looks at the bright side of things.  She exudes encouragement and adds positive messages to my inner thoughts.  This is a powerful motivation to do what I want to do without questioning every aspect of it.  She is a motivator and, at times, a healer.  Yes, one can heal oneself.  I believe there is that power in each of us, if we are willing to listen to that voice.

I have to say that by naming these voices in my head,  I have learned a lot about myself.  That’s why I think identifying them is so helpful.  It makes me more confident and encourages me when I recognise who is talking to me.  As I have learned where the voices are coming from, I make better decisions and can even rise above the negative thoughts as they occur.  I will actually say, out loud,  “Stop it Evil Lora!”  But then again, sometimes “evil Lora” wins the argument.  

But I have to say that “good Lora” wins far more than “evil Lora.  And someday, I hope to banish her from my thoughts entirely.  But as long as “good Lora” wins most of the time, I am on my way to make her the winner in this battle of my brain.  And that is what I plan to do.  In fact, by writing all of this down, I think “good Lora” has just won another battle between the voices in my head.  Woot woot!

In difficult times, it is easy to want to step back and say, “I don’t care,” even if you don’t feel that you should do so.  It can just be too much, too exhausting, to care about all the ills in our society.  When there are so many things to care about, it overwhelms us.  But that is exactly the reason that we should try to rise to the occasion.  

By ignoring the problems we see around us, we create a path for the unscrupulous to step in and fill in the void.  When decent people become complacent, evil can overcome good.  The vigilance of good people is necessary for the safety of the vulnerable.  That’s  why we must decide whether or not we dare to care.

When there are destructive forces making it impossible for some people to even live a simple life, there is something terribly wrong with society.  Apathy is a scourge that threatens us all because it is contagious.  But caring is contagious too.  Strong emotions are like that.

Every major religion asks its followers to love one another and care for the poor.  But this is not a natural occurrence.  It is something we need to initiate from within ourselves.  We must choose to care.

When we are children, however, we naturally start out being concerned for others.  Psychologist Michael Tomasello, in an article in Stanford News, states:  

“From when they first begin to walk and talk and become truly cultural beings, young human children are naturally cooperative and helpful in many—though obviously not all—situations. And they do not get this from adults; it comes naturally.”

Daring to care, requires that we encourage the next generation to continue this altruistic behavior.  Therefore, I suggest that we, as adults, encourage our children to continue to do what they naturally do, by being kind and caring to those around us.  Our examples, in action, speak louder than words.  And then it follows that we can raise the next generation to be mindful of our fellow humans and dare to care.

When I was thinking about the origin of, “going to the dogs,” I looked for a source, and this is what I came across:

“As far back as the 1500s, bad or stale food that was not thought to be suitable for human consumption was thrown to the dogs. The expression caught on and expanded to include any person or thing that came to a bad end, was ruined, or looked terrible. Source: theidioms.com.”

I already knew why we said it, but it disturbed me to see it in print.  Of course, I know dogs who will eat anything, but ever since I had my first dog, I couldn’t stand to see my dog’s reputation maligned by this phrase.  

So, I have come up with an alternate meaning.  Going to the dogs can be literal, as in I am going to the dogs, because they will play with me.  Or, he is going to the dogs because they will comfort him.  Mom is going to the dogs because they will make her laugh.  Going to the dogs can just be the desire to be close and snuggle.  There are many, many ways to change the meaning of this phrase, if one one is a dog-lover and thinks creatively.

We can’t replace the origin, because it has existed since the 1500’s.  But as in all English words, there are many opportunities to add meanings to them.  The word “run” is a perfect example.  There are literally dozens of ways in which the word “run” can be used.  Check it out in an unabridged dictionary.

But whether or not a person likes the idiom, “going to the dogs,” for the meaning it has been saddled with for hundreds of years, we need not only use it in that context.  We can create new meanings for this phrase.  After all, isn’t a dog also “man’s best friend?”