There are times when “being there” for someone is the only thing that can be done to help another person.  After something tragic happens, words can get in the way of comforting the one who needs it.  This is especially true when words can be taken in the wrong way, and even make things worse.  Sometimes, words are inadequate, almost empty.  But just being with a person is comforting, especially with people we love.

“Actions speak louder than words” is not a cliche.  Doing mundane chores is often helpful, when another person is unable to attend to these things.  Do what you can.  Talk if they want you to talk, but always be kind.  Think before you speak.  So often, it simply is not necessary.  Holding someone’s hand, putting your arm around someone when they are crying, are sometimes just the thing that is needed.  But just sitting in silence can be the most profound action of all.  Sitting and listening, actively listening, is difficult for most of us because we are “doers.”  It seems as if we are not doing anything at all.  This is far from the truth.  Being there can sometimes be the only thing that helps.

Following their lead is so important.  And never say “I know how you feel” unless it is absolutely true.  It is hurtful, and can even be insulting.  When in doubt, be quiet.  Less is more when talking to someone who is grieving.  Grief is what we feel for many different losses in life.  Death, divorce, the loss of a job are all devastating in their own way.  They are not the same, but each requires a special, caring presence to get through the process.  If a person is not ready for help, wait patiently for them to ask or show you in some way.

Many of the things I am speaking about were learned after the sudden death of my father.  But six years later, my son was killed in an auto accident and the lessons of my survival taught me so much.  Being able to talk about it and be listened to was vital to my healing.  One thing was sure for me.  I felt cared for and loved throughout my grieving because people were there for me.  And that, was everything.