Have you ever had someone say, “relax” to you when you were upset?  Did it relax you?  Or did it make you feel mad?  Did you think it was totally inappropriate that a person felt it was okay to tell you what to do or how to feel?  All I know is that, for me, it is not helpful or appreciated. When a person is upset, the last thing that person needs is for someone to tell them what to do or especially how to feel.  It is never a good idea for one to think that they need to give another person advice unless that person asks for it.

Advice always needs to be asked for, not given unsolicited, especially without regard to a person’s feelings.  In fact, it is worse than unhelpful.  It is insulting and condescending.  The exception to this is when your doctor, nurse, therapist or other professional tells you this because it is necessary for treatment.  When a dear friend or family member says this, it can be a loving gesture.  And yet another exception can be when a bystander tries to help you calm down before an emergency team can get there.  In any of these situations, the way to approach another person must be respectful. 

The most important consideration in using this word is the intention or attitude of the one saying it.  When the person saying it has the inflection of a condescending attitude, then the meaning implies that someone  thinks there is a need to correct or admonish another person.  

Another, perhaps more insulting thing to say to another person who is experiencing distress, is “calm down.”  In fact, there are loads of articles written about this.  Just “Google it”  and you will see what I mean.

The most important thing to remember when someone is in distress and you want to help, is just to sit down and “be with them.”  This requires caring for and having empathy with another person.  If one does not have these skills, it is better not to engage in the situation.

At any time where there has been trauma of any kind, one must ask oneself  the question, “What kind of words would I like to hear when in such distress?”  I very much doubt that “relax,” or “calm down” would come to mind.  Enough said.